whoopee we are all going to die!

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My tomatoes will soon be harvested and summer will be over.

I needed a sort of a cheerful headline to this piece, because last night I watched a documentary on the Woodstock-festival and this morning I read in the papers that Peter Fonda had died, at the age of 79.  And both things made me weepy.

Peter Fonda was the first crush I ever had. I was 12-13 (way too young really, but in my small hometown the cinemas didn’t uphold the law very strictly) and he made “Easy Rider” and drove right into my heart on his motorcycle. I had big posters in my girl room and I guess it scarred me for life. The good girl dreaming about  freedom, running away and loving a boy on a bike. Never grew out of that one I guess.

I remember I cried when I realized he was married and had kids, because in my mind that meant I wouldn’t stand a chance anymore. Like I ever did…But that is teenage crushes. And now he is gone.

It is when your teenage idols depart that you realize that you are next in line, like it or not.

And Woodstock. Its 50 years ago now. And I was 12 when I watched Woodstock-the movie in the same movie theatre that I would watch Easy Rider in.

I watched the bands and the music of course, but mostly I envied the people there for the community, of being together and sharing an experience that my conservative surroundings had never heard of. And I vowed that someday, SOME DAY, I would also feel like that – free and happy and one with music, peace and love. To my small northern hometown it took ages to get a movie like that, so I’m guessing it was in 1970. I would soon move to a larger city, go to festivals (none compared to Woodstock of course), engage in some politics and grow up.

But I realized, as I remembered last night as I watched the movie, just how I had felt at that point in time that I probably didn’t use those years in the wisest way. There was always a boy (often a longhaired one on a bike) who stopped me from going places and pursuing that dream of freedom. Like probably most of the girls at Woodstock did too, I got married, had a kid and got divorced and as a single mom you have responsibilities. I’ve travelled, but I wasn’t free anymore. What the heck did I do with those 50 years?

Looking back I’ve had a good career, done loads of fun things and regrets, I’ve had a few, but none worth mentioning. But there is still that aching little hole inside waiting to be filled. To fill my lungs with air and excitement and not know what’s around the corner – to be passionate about something again.

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Greyhaired and wrinkled, 50 years pass way to quick.

As for the longhaired boys on bikes – I think those days have passed. And not even Peter Fonda lived up to his bad boy image IRL, being an accomplished actor, director and producer. And to be honest, bad boys who are 60 plus are usually locked up, right?

But I do think I may have at least one more festival left in me, and maybe I can find something to be passionate about again as well.  Fifty years are a long time, and still they pass so very fast in a life. I guess there is some great truth in the saying “don’t look back in anger or forward in fear, look around in wonder”. That’s what I´ll do now.

Country Joe and the Fish

(and Country Joe is miraculously alive still!)

 

One thought on “whoopee we are all going to die!

  1. That is a great quote – I love it. I think I spent the best years of my life fitting around people, I never wanted to be difficult or awkward or stroppy or everything my mother is (and very much what my daughter is too 🙂 ) to be honest I wish I had spent a bit of time figuring out if people were actually worth fitting about or just telling them to get stuffed. I think we can look forward to our time now – once I figure out how to stop waiting for permission…

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